Can zombies get an erection?

One of the search terms used to find this site was asking the question ‘Can zombies get erections?’ and so in honour of that intrepid explorer and their search we will analyse is this possible in the zombie universe? Of course, we will be excluding zombie porno’s simply because these films exist for that kind of situation (although to be fair it is often the female that is the zombie).

The first step is to look at the anatomy of the zombie, any brief search of the web, read of a zombie survival guide or simply watch of a bunch of movies will tell you all you need to know but the tricky thing are that there are so many variants; Fast zombies (e.g. Dawn of the Dead remake), slow zombies (e.g. Dawn of the Dead original), talking zombies (e.g. Dellamorte Dellamore) and emotional zombies (e.g. Warm Bodies) amongst others to say the least.

But we all know the true zombies that will come and devour us all are the Romero-type, slow shambling yet somewhat gaining in intelligence if given time and it is this that we will be investigating, but with a few nods to the other types simply for issues of completion.

One common theme across all of the undead is that they are slowly (or not so slowly) decomposing and as such the chances of the male zombies getting an erection or at least being physically able to is diminishing by the day.

Another common theme which you may have noticed is that zombies cannot bleed to death, simply because their circulatory system allows them to survive wounds that would kill a normal human. Leading us to another area where the movies deviate – does the blood coagulate or not?

In Grau’s The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue, the film goes for a more realistic approach, the zombies when shot do not bleed from their wounds as there is no blood pumping around the body. Contrast this with many other films, where blood pours from the zombies wounds and we have to reach contrasting conclusions about this area. However, the reasons for these choices are clear – aesthetics and cinematic entertainment as with all films except Warm Bodies, so we know there shouldn’t be any blood pumping around the body yet often heads explode and blood flies out, and not just because of the bullets penetrating the body. Warm Bodies differs because the zombies (except the bonies who are too far gone) soon start to feel, and as a result their hearts begin to pump, thus sending blood around the body and giving the possibility for blood to flow to that area. Good news for R and Julie.

Looking at the types:

FlyBoyThe Romero zombie

1) Slow moving and decaying.
2) No blood circulation but blood flows from wounds.
Result: No erection but could probably be taught other skills.

The accurate zombieLiving Dead at Manchester Morgue

1) Slow moving and decaying.
2) No blood circulation and as a result no blood flows at all.
Result: Not a chance, they are more likely to impale you with a cross grave marker.

Tar ManThe Fast Zombie

1) Quick moving, agile and limber.
2) Some retain the power of speech when freshly turned (RotLD) others not (Dawn remake)
Result: Not going to happen despite their athletic ability, they simply couldn’t generate blood flow in that area.

The fraud zombieR

1) Able to speak, feel and eventually move freely.
2) Would rather listen to vinyl than eat brains.
Result: Lock up your daughters this zombie once he gets in the mood, can pump the blood all around the body, the catch being once he pumps enough he ceases to be a zombie and becomes a living human again. Voiding the question.

However, I am guessing if you typed that search term into google that you are searching for something else, but the short answer is really if the zombie films tackle sex they generally do it with a  male human and a female zombie (re-penetrator, zombie strippers, the stink of flesh et al.) but that is just generally, and you will pleased to know sometimes the zombies get down to the action too.

Otto

Otto: The exception rather than the rule

See Mutant Vampire Zombies From the Hood where although not zombies they are infected and changing or rather degenerating into mutant zombies, and they are also very horny, but the more adventurous of you may want to check out the 1979 Italian film Porno Holocaust but really you may as well just search for the hardcore stuff if your that way inclined, there’s probably going to be a better plot, acting and Fx in the porn. Oh also just worth mentioning if you are either that way inclined, curious or just want to see check it out, the film Otto: or up with Dead People which would argue against me and my thoughts on the subject.

Looks like the art-house believes that zombies can get erections, the smut peddlers don’t just believe but need their zombies to get erections and the rest of us, well we know that when zombpocalypse comes for us that at least our women are safe.

So in answer to the question, can a proper, read Romero zombie get an erection? Quite clearly no…their brains while remaining active on a basic level would not be able to process the emotional level required to enter a state of arousal and even if that was possible the lack of blood circulating the body would leave their diseased member as flaccid as Pele in his advertising viagra-era.

Like this? Read our related article Scared Stiff after you vote.

What do you think?


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